So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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