I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
