And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
