last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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