If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
