i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
