I should be sponsored by Trojan
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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