Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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