Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
