Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
So many bounce houses so little time
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
