Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
