omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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