i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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