Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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