remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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