When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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