we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
