a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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