How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
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