i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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