I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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