Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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