i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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