I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
