I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
