Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
