Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
