Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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