I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
