I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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