I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
