good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
