You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
