I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
