she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
