mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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