if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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