I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Randomize
