i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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