At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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