i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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