my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
