dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
