I could make wine with my vomit
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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