Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I love having hate sex.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
