Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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