There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The ass gains better be worth it
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