Ambien. No doubt about it.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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