Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
