I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
