i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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